It all makes sense now. I wish I could articulate to you how monumental and relieving it feels to know the reason for my shitty behaviour and rationale growing up. I have anxiety. I stopped dead in my tracks this morning while pouring coffee when I realized I’ve also had panic attacks. I just didn’t know what they were at the time. I mean, I’ve studied the disorder but it wasn’t something I thought ever applied to me. I thought the way I over analyzed everything was a normal human trait, or at least female. It’s okay though, because it’s not as if I’m a mutant or something. I’m still Sandy. I still have good friends and a life that I am blessed to be living. Maybe, because I am anxious all the time it’s allowed me to progress in life. I push to succeed, although my downfall is that the things I can’t make happen right now drive me mad and feed my anxieties. That’s okay though, because now I know how to cope and deal with these persistent emotions. I feel at peace with myself. My entire body and mind. I feel like I can do anything and that all my dreams require are hard work and patience. I feel as though I’ve unlocked that one last piece of the puzzle. It is a very warm feeling, much like the one you get when holding a puppy.
That man, that beautiful creature that has given his heart to me and kept mine encased in the gentlest of clutches, has not only diagnosed me but put up with my chaos of emotions since we’ve been together. I would have told me to fuck right off a long time ago, but he stayed beside me and focused on the things he loves about me. I owe him my sanity. I owe him my pride and confidence and dignity. That man enriches my life and puts me first in so many ways I wasn’t able to acknowledge or even see until now. He is able to understand my thoughts when I’m having trouble communicating them. He is my forever. I told him that night through tears, when we were able to talk to each other without being distracted by the amazing things we were seeing, that I wanted him in my life always. I have never felt more vulnerable. He flashed a half smile and told me how that was assumed anyways. How lucky we are to have found each other so young in life.
Acid is, in a word, perception. It is a very deep exploration of your world and your mind. It allows you to swim through what is normally unconscious thought and question the constants in your life. I thought a lot about how to make a business plan successful by applying it to the wants and needs of my target audience. I thought deeply about the id and the way it duels with the ego. In a way, I was able to have an internal conversation with my subconscious while at the same time reveling in the beauty of the world dancing before my eyes. I was lucky to go on this trip with my love. He kept good thoughts circulating and even took me for a walk so I could be dazzled by the colors of fall. It was spectacular because the thing about LSD is that it provokes not only visuals and thoughts, but emotions as well. The feelings of nostalgia, belonging, acceptance and love were powerful. It allows one to feel complete. Every need in Maslow’s hierarchy is checked off. But here’s why this ‘drug’ is so therapeutic and extraordinary. These feelings remain, as do the appreciation of them. This isn’t a basic stimulant that releases chemicals and feeds an addiction, a craving for more and more. No. It is a life altering experience that gives one the tools and the ability to relate to people. Any and all people. It is the antithesis to selfishness. I am so very grateful I had the opportunity to explore my inner most thoughts and challenge the very notion of that which is ‘socially acceptable’. And yet, alcohol is legal. Now you tell me how that makes sense.
Also, just remembered I had made this a few years ago. It was 11th grade, and I’m in my second year of university, so about 4 years. Just keep fighting for what you love, and eventually what they think won’t matter. I still dress that way, and it makes me happy. So fuck what anyone else thinks, because you’ll find people that accept and appreciate you for who you are.
I wish I felt as beautiful normally as I do when I look in these photos.
I wish I radiated the same confidence as when I’m in front of the camera.
Why can’t this translate into the everyday?
Why can’t I exist as the girl I see before me?
I will always care about people; about their hearts and about who they are. If that makes me stupid, then so be it. I’m an idiot.
It’s just a mess of emotions.
The day, it shines. It’s like a beautiful reminder that life really is going to work out. I’m thrilled. I’ve just finished writing my second last final of university, and well, it went wonderfully. I feel as though I can do anything. I feel amazing. I’m absolutely terrified, yet exhilarated at the prospect of what is to come. I’m living for the moment—right now. I’m 19, and so ready to just have an adventure. It’s but a few short days away.
Last night I lay awake, dreaming of the days to come—dreading yet relinquishing in the unknown. In the depths of my desires his face crossed my mind again, and with it came the words I can’t remember to forget.
“And how’s my first impression?”
"Wonderful, and mine?"
In a tone like velvet, he spoke. Such a contrast to the cold in the last thing he said to me, “I’m good, thanks." I had proposed only friendship. I just wish I could comprehend what it is I did that was so… wrong.
Perhaps once I’ve had time to get out of this city and figure out where I’m supposed to be things will make more sense. We all have our own demons, and that is something we must overcome on our own. Maybe one day he’ll figure out that I was only trying to offer kindness, or—maybe not. Either way, I will not live resenting the boy. I will find happiness in my own endeavors.
Because all you have is right now. =3
I’ve come to the conclusion that if I’m not good enough for someone, then they don’t deserve to experience the person that I am. I will continue to treat all others with the deepest respect and kindness, unless proven otherwise. And in that case, it will be mere indifference. I love passionately. I care. This is who I am, and it will not change.
Just as I start feeling like myself again. =3
But right now? Right now I just want to curl up and forget it ever happened.